S is for Snow Clusterfuck

Tuesday December 29, 2009: Mother nature decides to blanket Portland in snow at the same time I have an appointment at OHSU.
 
For those who don't know the Oregon Health Sciences University is a world leading teaching hospital in Portland, Oregon and just happens to live on the top of a hill with nice steep roads. This is not normally an issue unless it snows or ices up such as on this fateful day. You might think that ambulances not having traction to get up the hill or cars sliding down the hill would be a problem and you'd be right; as I discovered there is another non-obvious problem related entirely to timing.
 
Here is how that day went: 

13:00 - Call my friend near OHSU and ask if he wants to hang out after my appointment; it is agreed that we shall do so. It starts to snow a bit. 

16:00 - My appointment is done, snow is sticking, and the roads are covered. I go to my car in the parking garage and head towards the exit. 

16:02 - Begin snow clusterfuck. 

16:15 - Exit parking garage, get onto road. 

16:30 - I've moved 100 feet. 

16:45 - I've moved 300 feet and am getting hungry. I've got over a mile to go just to get down the hill. Decide to break for dinner and let things work themselves out for a while since this obviously is not going to be resolved any time soon. 

17:15 - Made it the 1/4 mile (total distance from the last parking garage) to a new parking garage, park, and get some wonderful pad thai - OHSU has amazingly good food. 

17:45 - Back to my car. Park my car in line at the exit of the parking structure 3 cars from the driveway. 

18:00 - Still have not moved - call OHSU and ask if it is even possible to get off the hill. Quick answer: no. Long answer: everything non-emergency related to a hospital is a second class citizen. Their number one priority is to establish a route for ambulances not the convenience of people coming or going to appointments. At this time the hospital is diverting all traffic into parking structures so that the city snow plows can clear the road and create a trauma route for emergency vehicles. 

18:05 - Get ready to dig in for a long one. Put on some AC/DC and immediately begin rocking out in car, singing along, and dancing; probably scaring people behind me. 

18:45 - Exit parking garage, get onto snow covered drive way leading to road down the hill. 

18:46 - My rear wheel drive car starts slipping for the first time; this topic will be revisited later. 

18:48 - Make it onto road. Notice that I'm practically right under the OHSU gondola system. Continue rocking out. 

19:00 - Have to pee - still have not moved an inch. Can't leave my car where it is and find a real bathroom so I find a corner and pee there in front of all; this topic will be revisited later. Resume rocking out. 

19:15 - Haven't moved. People are getting out of their cars and start making snow men in the street. One couple asks me if I have a bottle of wine which unfortunately I do not. Change music to Rammstein and resume the rocking out process. 

19:45 - Hey I'm on the other side of the gondolas now! That's about 500 feet I've moved. Someone has their car stereo with a nice subwoofer turned up really loud and a block party is breaking out around me. 

20:00 - Still haven't moved very far. Some people realize that their gas pedal is basically useless and decide to try their alternate gas pedal: the horn. The alternate gas pedal does not help them get anywhere faster either. 

20:35 - Flip over to random mix on my iPod - 2,000 songs to pick from, this should help keep me entertained. 

21:00 - Progressed half way down hill. Have to pee again - there are no corners here and the road is flanked with sidewalks on both sides with pedestrians. Still spending significant stretches of time parked in one spot and conclude the least worst thing to do is just turn my headlights off and pee right in front of my car on the road. Begin peeing. 

21:00:22 - Notice a car is driving in the opposing lane and forced to watch me relieve myself. Failing any other idea I give them a good wave to at least act in good humor. 

21:00:25 - It's a cop - stops in road and asks me if I need any help. I say no thanks, I've got this covered. Prepared to yell at cop for writing me a ticket if he decides to and come up with convincing argument: what the fuck do you want me to do instead? 

21:00:28 - he shakes his head and keeps on driving. 

21:01:04 - I'm back in the car and resume the rocking out procedure. 

21:15 - More people using the alternate gas pedal. It still does not help them move any faster. 

21:20 - Someone is jogging up the hill, stops, puts their foot on the hood of some random parked pickup truck on the side of the road and begins adjusting their running shoes. I make a mental note that it's a pretty damn rude thing to do. 

21:20:30 - Jogger jerk has been looking side to side non-stop and seems to be awfully suspicious. I roll down my window and say "You know if I caught you doing that to my car I'd be really unhappy." His response: "This is my fucking car and it's none of your fucking business. If you have a fucking problem with it why the fuck don't you fucking come over here and fucking do something about it?" 

21:20:35 - I offer him some suggestions about what he can do in his leisure time and roll my window up. 

21:20:39 - The person who actually owns the vehicle turns the lights on and gets out of the truck.

21:20:39.02 - Jogger jerk runs off. 

22:00 - Make it to bottom of hill. 

22:03 - Make it to freeway onramp! Things are looking up! 

22:03:30 - Freeway is totally open on my side! The other side is a parking lot but at least I can taste the freedom of the open road and make it up to 15 mph. 

22:04:30 - Make it to my next onramp, 26 West bound. 

22:05 - Stopped again. Resume rocking out and scaring people behind me. 

22:07 - Make it half way through ice covered onramp. Multiple cars have been ditched on both the sides of the onramp and right in the middle of the onramp. Sports cars don't like ice very much and I quickly learn the art of driving the car sideways in a permanent slide with the rear wheels spinning; so does the pickup truck behind me so I give him a thumbs up. 

22:15 - Onto the freeway finally. More cars ditched on the side of the freeway and right in the middle of it. The snow plows have done a good job but there is lots of traffic. Begin climbing the hill at 2 mph - my car is made to go 150 mph, not 2; this is quite the chore. It is even more unhappy about this situation than I am. 

22:30 - Crest hill, able to move 20 mph on a steady basis. Have to constantly gesture at people behind me to stop tailgating. Finally get to use 2nd gear since I started my journey. 

23:00 - Make it to my friends off ramp, road conditions don't look bad. I can already see myself at his house telling him the stories from the night. 

23:10 - Make it to the long steep hill that must be ascended prior to reaching his house. Wait for the car currently attempting to climb the hill to clear the path so I can make my shot at it cleanly and safely. I knew this was coming and I knew this was going to be tough but I promised my friend I'd either show up at his house or drive my car into a ditch trying to and I plan on living up to my word. 

23:12 - The car made it half way up the hill and got stuck. I'm not surprised, it's a really hard hill. For the record it was a front wheel drive econobox, statistically it should have more traction and control than my car does. 

23:14 - The car drives past me at the bottom of the hill and I begin my ascent. 

23:16 - Pass the 4x4 truck stuck in a ditch sideways. Does not phase me. 

23:17 - Pass the point that the other car got stuck and gave up. 

23:19 - Got 90% of the way to the top of the hill ready to attack the last incline increase. I've got my momentum built up but start to have traction problems. Bring out my sideways driving skills and get my car to climb the hill against the laws of physics. 

23:20 - I'm 95% up the hill and then a guy in a BMW decides I'm going too slow and tries to pass me. 

23:20:05 - BMW jerk gets stuck right next to me. If either of us touch the gas our cars slide sideways so we can't make any progress with out hitting each other. 

23:20:15 - I roll down my window and say "Good job, now you solve this problem." He looks at me with a blank stare. I say "You couldn't just wait your turn could you?" and he responds with "I would have made it if you weren't there!". Someone please explain to me how this makes sense. 

23:21 - A car is at the top of the hill waiting to go down. We have the road clogged up completely with ditches on both sides. There is no chance for success now; the best that can happen is graceful failure. I back my car into someone else's driveway. 

23:22 - BMW jerk tries to get going again but fails spectacularly then winds up backing down the hill in disgrace. 

23:23 - I'm stuck on a lip - there is no way I'm getting out of this driveway and even if I could I don't have the momentum to crest the hill now. I decide I really don't want my car in a ditch but I'm no more than a mile away from my friend's house at this point. 

23:24 - The family of the house that I'm stuck at comes out; I apologize profusely. They saw what the BMW did and laid blame on him too so I don't feel so bad. 

23:30 - We all work together to get my car in a spot that's both safe and out of their way. I offer to leave my keys with them and they offer to give me a ride to my friend's house. I explain that I can quite easily walk it and it's going to lead to the beer getting cooler anyway so it's no big deal. 

23:31 - I learn first hand how much traction a 4 wheel drive Subaru has in the snow. Freaking amazing I tell you what. 

23:34 - I arrive at my destination safe and sound.